I’ve started
writing, trying to begin writing, writing bits and pieces for the book everyone
asks about and for the speaking and teaching I’m feeling called to begin. Today, I have some words, emotions, and
feelings that need to pour out, need to flow and find an audience somewhere
outside of my mind and tears streaming down my cheeks.
Adoption is
hard.
It is more
than a single event in time and space, more than papers signed or a judge’s
decree. Adoption is a daily struggle, an
exhausting and draining daily battle to love.
Adoptive
families wage war against the brokenness, loss, and grief that has created
beauty, hope, and joy mingled with our tears and strife. Seemingly insignificant moments of everyday
life represent enormous advances and defeats within our homes and families
hidden from the world outside.
As parents,
we secretly struggle to find answers and assistance. The adoptive community is not our clique but
our safe haven and retreat. Finding
comrades and companions who provide understanding and encouragement is one of
the many obstacles we face. I thank the
Lord for the friends, mentors, and relationships with those who have held my
hand, wrapped me in hugs, and kept me from drowning when life has overwhelmed
me. Most of these precious and dearly
loved individuals in my life, I have never met face-to-face or rarely ever am
physically near. The internet and cyber
world has allowed me access to a community of allies.
Still,
today, my heart aches for so many, so many friends and families who are hurting
and struggling, exhausted and drained from this daily, moment-by-moment battle
we face.
Our children
fight against us while we fight for them.
They push away as we try to draw them closer. Master manipulators and strategists utilize
other adults and relationships as weapons of warfare -emotional triangulation,
condemnation, and isolation to achieve tactical advantages. They hide and run from us and from their own
deep pain. Rages mask fears and
hurt. Silent escape into worlds within themselves
or the busyness and distraction of life outside our home and family provide
walls and barriers to challenge our ability to reach their hurting hearts.
A bottomless
pit or endless black hole, drains, strips, and exhausts us to our core as they
try to fill this vacuum within. They
literally want it all – material possessions, the warmth of physical touch,
words of encouragement and praise, singularly focused attention, pleasing
through performance and perfection, the adrenaline rush and thrill of all life
has to offer. Yet nothing satisfies,
nothing fills the void. They long for
love but do not know how to receive it when offered. Their spirits seek peace but reject its
comfort and contentment.
My heart
hurts today for my mama friends in the trenches with me. I know too many downtrodden, depressed, and
struggling families. Their hearts and
homes are torn apart. They are bleeding
and wounded within.
Father God,
I don’t have the words to pray. Spirit,
intercede for us. Give voice to the
cries of our hearts. Jehovah Jireh, provide for our needs. Jehovah Rophi, heal our hearts and our
homes. Bind the wounds that have cut so
deep within our children’s lives and past.
Pour the oil and wine over us today with the hope and promise of Your healing
to come. I thank You and praise You
today for the beauty You are creating from the brokenness and ashes of our
lives and our stories for Your glory.
