Tonight I'm struggling to find sleep.
150 days since our team left for China,
and still I think my internal clock is permanently set to China time.
I haven't written a blog post for over a month now. Not because I have nothing to write about or that I have no more children's stories to tell. Neither can it be said that I have forgotten about "my" kids.
Time to write gets consumed in the busyness of daily life. My thoughts overwhelm me as the flood of emotions and memories continues as the tides, ebbing and flowing.
So much…so many…so few!
*** Exciting Updates ***
Another AWAA/ACT Missions Team returned to love on the children and staff during the first week of November!
One Less has become FOUR Sweethearts HOME!!!
Another family is preparing to leave this week to bring home a Christmas Treasure!!!
A family is currently reviewing the file of another Darling!!!
God continues to weave together His beautiful and amazing LOVE story through the lives of these precious children! So much beauty in the midst of all the brokenness!
However, my heart aches and breaks more and more with each passing day.
In the midst of all the Christmas hustle and bustle, I feel the rush around me but feel so detached from the joy of the holiday season. Decorations, wrappings and trim, lights and bells, sweets and treats, shopping and gifts and gifts and more gifts press in all around me while my thoughts wander back to the children I left behind so far away.
Buying and giving and receiving countless and yet meaningless gifts for which I, myself, and others have no need has become a source of stress and sadness as I long to give not only material things to the children and staff of the orphanage but also to see each and every one receive the gift of their own family!
I have become discouraged and disillusioned as I have attempted to advocate for the children we met in China.
It seemed so simple in my head! - Show off pictures of the beautiful kids we met and tell their stories and their forever families will rush to bring them home as quickly as possible!!! These charming, enchanting, lovable sweethearts would sweep everyone right off their feet just like they did our team! BAM! They could all be home within a year! Yes, I dream BIG! But I had fallen in LOVE!
However, now Mrs. G.'s question rings in my ears (
"Boys")…
…"Why Americans no adopt boys?"
A couple of the youngest boys we met who are under two years old with cleft lip/cleft palate as their only special need had referral files that had just arrived for America World! So many families request a child under two with a "mild or correctable" special need. Within recent years cleft conditions have become categorized as mild. Every day I have checked AWAA's photo listing, anticipating a status change to "Under Review" and the "Matched"! But after three months, one boy never had a family review his file or pursue his adoption so his file was returned to China and placed on the Shared Listing with almost 2,000 other children waiting for a family. If these little boys had been girls, they would never have even been posted on a photo listing. Families are currently waiting 18 months to two years for a little girl as young as possible with a similar condition.
Toodling around the online I stumbled across a treasure today! One of our team members in July was the Emmy award winning film director Jason Crossman! He tagged along for half of our week with the children and then flew to Ethiopia to visit children at another orphanage. His camera captured our journey through the beauty and history in Beijing and then ALL OUR KIDS! But none of our team has ever seen any of his footage. He has been working with AWAA on some projects. Editing and the approval process takes time. (UGH! Have I ever mentioned that I have NO patience?) Discovering that I could get a sneak peek at one of his earliest editing attempts was an honor and privilege. (He's soooo GOOD at this!!!)
PUDDLE!!!
Ugly crying tears just flowed!
My computer screen was filled with the faces of "my" kids! Laughing and playing! Our field trip to the park! As much as I NEVER wanted to be filmed for all the world to see, I LOVED watching the precious little ones I held in my arms!
Jason captured the moment when I held the very first child I met in the very first room we visited on our first day in the orphanage. I remember feeling so cautious and timid as we asked permission to interact with the children. A simple "Yes" melted away the fears until I found a darling four or five year old in my arms. Her body and muscles were rigid from cerebral palsy's grip on her life. Flying through the air with the freedom my arms and strength gave her, we laughed together and enjoyed these brief moments before our team was ushered away to another therapy room filled with children and the nannies working to help them learn and grow.
I watched "my" kids and longed to reach through the barriers of a computer screen, through space and time, through thousands of miles that separate us, to reach out and touch them, hold them, laugh and play, dance and sing, to wrap them in my arms and tell them all how much I miss them, each and every one of "my" precious sweethearts!
Oh how I wished that I could share these images with the world!
I wanted everyone to see "my" kids!
So many of the children are the older kids with whom we spent so much time together. We played and exercised together outside. We enjoyed a field trip adventure to a park and lunch at a restaurant. We watched them sing and dance to entertain us as their honored guests. We painted pictures together. We filled and shaped wontons together and enjoy devouring the delicious wonton soup we had created.
Advocating for these children who stole my heart has broken my heart. Not one has been matched with a family. No one has reviewed their files. No one.
Most of the older children we met were boys, but even the few girls we met have not had a family express interest. These were some of the children who made it so hard for our team to leave. These were the boys who waited by the windows of their shared room to shout their good-byes and wave to us as the van drove away for the last time. These are the children who begged us to help their families find them and bring them home before their 14th birthdays entrap them in the prison of being an orphan forever.
My teammate and I have squabbled over who could convince their husband to bring one boy home first and then how often we would need to travel to visit just to spend more time with him. One of my daughters keeps asking me about another boy who is already 12 years old, the same age she is now. She knows about his desire to be adopted and heard from the ACT Missions team who visited in November that he requested a family with brothers. She wants to know if he has a family, and if not why aren't we going to bring him home. There are just so many! So many waiting and waiting!
I understand…older kids aren't cute and cuddly looking…the big words that describe some of their special needs are scary sounding on paper…older child adoption can be challenging and difficult (Oh yeah! I know about this one!)…families have dreamed of Chinese adoption equalling a daughter, not a son…
BUT
But what about all "my" kids?!?
Christmas is coming!
I should be celebrating and rejoicing.
Sugarplums should be dancing in my head.
Instead, I watched the video of "my" kids one more time as I snuggled under the covers. Tears dampened my pillow. I glanced at the clock and adjusted for China time. Tossing and turning, my thoughts and dreams and prayers return to the beautiful faces, and smiles, and laughter of "my" kids. My heart aches as I ponder questions and long for answers…
Why, Lord?
How long?
When?
Who?
Where?
Why not?
Please, God?
Soon?
I will try to find joy and peace this Christmas season. I will enjoy spending precious time with my six children and this first year with my daughter-in-law. I will rejoice in the birth of Jesus the Christ, the promised Messiah. Words will fill my thoughts this year…
Redemption
Restoration
Adoption
Sacrifice
Grace
Mercy
LOVE
As I thank my God for the great gift of His Son in my life, I will pray that some day each child I met will some day know and feel this miracle in their own life.
